Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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