I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
