why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
