you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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