what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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