yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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