So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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