My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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