if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
God, I missed his penis.
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