I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
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I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.