So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
