I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
