i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
no, he came in my armpit
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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