Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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