my mouth tastes like poor choices
I cockslap morals
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
