I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
