i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
