Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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