Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
