my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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