He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
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Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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