I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
