Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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