that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
