and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
