I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
