You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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