She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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