Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
