also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
