I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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