EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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