Umm I'm too high to move.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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