i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Everclear isn't food dammit
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
