I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
