this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
