how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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