just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
