but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
