If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
