Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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