Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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