i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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