You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's shark week go big or go home
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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