woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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