I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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