Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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