I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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