Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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