I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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