My liver just broke up with me...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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