Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
