If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
