I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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