My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
