I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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