im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
