Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
stop calling my apartment porn island.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
