He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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